Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Cancer at 41 (3)

The other day, someone asked me if I was afraid and without hesitation, I answered "No. It's not my time."  I am afraid of a cancer recurrence, and I have so many years for it to come back.  However, I am relying on the fact that both my grandmother and mother never had a recurrence.  My mother has been cancer-free for 20+ years.  I hope to follow suit.  But I digress.  There is a reason why I was able to answer that question without a second thought...

One night, early on in my diagnosis, I was lying in bed with my little boy.  We had just read a bedtime story and said our prayers.  I usually lay with him for a few extra minutes just to get him settled in, but that night I laid there for a long time.  I was praying a silent prayer, crying and pleading with God.  I begged God not to take me now.  It took me such a long time to bring my precious baby into this world and he still needed his mom.  There are still so many things I wanted to teach him and so many rites of passage for him that I wanted to be around to experience.  As I laid there crying and pleading, I knew in my heart that God's plan for me had already been determined, and I was not in control, but I continued to pray until I fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow case.

When I woke up in the morning, I felt such peace.  God hadn't spoken to me in words but deep in my heart, I knew my prayer had been answered.  I just knew I was going to be OK.  My fight isn't over.  I still have two more chemo treatments and at least one surgery (maybe more), and lots of opportunities to contract infections.  However, I feel stronger every day and the doctors all seem to agree that I will come through this just fine.  But most importantly, I am at peace because I trust that my work here isn't done yet.  God has a plan for me.  I don't know what it is, maybe I never will, but I do know that I  have experienced more blessings than I can count in the last few months.  It took getting sick to slow down enough to finally notice them.

1 comment:

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