The other day, someone asked me if I was afraid and without hesitation, I answered "No. It's not my time." I am afraid of a cancer recurrence, and I have so many years for it to come back. However, I am relying on the fact that both my grandmother and mother never had a recurrence. My mother has been cancer-free for 20+ years. I hope to follow suit. But I digress. There is a reason why I was able to answer that question without a second thought...
One night, early on in my diagnosis, I was lying in bed with my little boy. We had just read a bedtime story and said our prayers. I usually lay with him for a few extra minutes just to get him settled in, but that night I laid there for a long time. I was praying a silent prayer, crying and pleading with God. I begged God not to take me now. It took me such a long time to bring my precious baby into this world and he still needed his mom. There are still so many things I wanted to teach him and so many rites of passage for him that I wanted to be around to experience. As I laid there crying and pleading, I knew in my heart that God's plan for me had already been determined, and I was not in control, but I continued to pray until I fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow case.
When I woke up in the morning, I felt such peace. God hadn't spoken to me in words but deep in my heart, I knew my prayer had been answered. I just knew I was going to be OK. My fight isn't over. I still have two more chemo treatments and at least one surgery (maybe more), and lots of opportunities to contract infections. However, I feel stronger every day and the doctors all seem to agree that I will come through this just fine. But most importantly, I am at peace because I trust that my work here isn't done yet. God has a plan for me. I don't know what it is, maybe I never will, but I do know that I have experienced more blessings than I can count in the last few months. It took getting sick to slow down enough to finally notice them.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Cancer at 41 (2)
As I have continued through this journey, I think alot about how "cancer" has began to define me. This is especially true since I lost my hair. As silly and vain as it may sound, losing my hair has been the hardest part of all of this for me. I have opted to wear scarves and hats instead of wigs, so EVERYONE knows I have cancer. I just can't stand the feel of the wig on my head. Strangers comment on how beautiful I look and tell me stories of someone they know who has travelled this same path. It's amazing how many of us are out there. Although I know they mean well, it's still hard for me to accept it as a compliment. My self-image has been very affected by being bald. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be, though. My face still looks like me! (On a positive note, I don't have to shave anymore or do my hair. I can shower and be ready to walk out the door in 20 minutes or less.)
Chemotherapy has been nothing like I anticipated it would be. I thought I would have a few days living in the bathroom following chemo and then a few weeks of normalcy. I was terrified by how sick I thought I was going to be. That hasn't been my experience at all. The nausea is unpleasant but not unbearable. However, I am nauseated almost everyday. I battle with bowel issues and have developed sores on my head and very itchy skin. I had a few days with mouth and throat sores, but they didn't last long. My fingers on my right hand are becoming tingly and numb and I am freezing cold most of the time, except when I am having a hot flash and want to strip down to nothing! But again, I have to stress to those of you that are reading this, none of it is so awful that it can't be handled with a positive mindset, rest and medication. When people ask how I am doing, I tell them it just varies from day-to-day and usually hour-by-hour. I know that no matter how I feel at any given moment, it will pass as soon as I can do something to help myself. Obviously, I cannot medicate myself at work so gingerale and graham crackers have become a staple for nausea. I can't treat the pain until I get home from work, though.
My son told me the other day that he wished he could duplicate me so he could have "fun mom" back but still have the real me. I told him that I very much want "fun mom" back, too. And she will be! A few months from now, this will all be history and I will once again feel that I am defined by the person I am, not the illness I have.
Chemotherapy has been nothing like I anticipated it would be. I thought I would have a few days living in the bathroom following chemo and then a few weeks of normalcy. I was terrified by how sick I thought I was going to be. That hasn't been my experience at all. The nausea is unpleasant but not unbearable. However, I am nauseated almost everyday. I battle with bowel issues and have developed sores on my head and very itchy skin. I had a few days with mouth and throat sores, but they didn't last long. My fingers on my right hand are becoming tingly and numb and I am freezing cold most of the time, except when I am having a hot flash and want to strip down to nothing! But again, I have to stress to those of you that are reading this, none of it is so awful that it can't be handled with a positive mindset, rest and medication. When people ask how I am doing, I tell them it just varies from day-to-day and usually hour-by-hour. I know that no matter how I feel at any given moment, it will pass as soon as I can do something to help myself. Obviously, I cannot medicate myself at work so gingerale and graham crackers have become a staple for nausea. I can't treat the pain until I get home from work, though.
My son told me the other day that he wished he could duplicate me so he could have "fun mom" back but still have the real me. I told him that I very much want "fun mom" back, too. And she will be! A few months from now, this will all be history and I will once again feel that I am defined by the person I am, not the illness I have.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)