On Friday, November 9th, I had my last chemo treatment. I had planned for it to be a celebration. However, about 3 weeks ago, I found out my mother had metastasized ovarian cancer (stage 3/4, not positive yet because they have not been able to operate). She had her first chemo treatment and got terribly ill; to the point that she wasn't sure she wanted to continue. That made celebrating my last treatment a little difficult. Although, I have completed my treatment, I am still dealing with cancer, just in a different way. I think everyone has experienced cancer to some degree, with someone they love, and can understand what I am talking about. I am scared and worried for my mother but hopeful and proud of how I have handled my illness. I am also worried that I may follow in her path. And to top it off, she is in Ohio and I am in Colorado, so we cannot be together. Phone conversations are hard, so not being together may be God's way of protecting us, as well; helping each of us to be able to focus our energies where they need to be. That is a lot to take in at this time. (By the way, thank you to my brother who was able to talk my mom off her ledge and she is still willing to continue her treatments!)
Friends and family from Facebook and in my other realms of life held a prayer vigil for both of us tonight, with over 100 people participating. That kind of love, support and lifting up, is absolutely amazing to me! I would never have imagined that there were so many people out there willing to support my family the way they have. It has given me the strength I need to progress toward recovery. I will be a breast cancer survivor, just like my mom and grandmother before me! If my path follows my mother's, and I develop another kind of cancer down the road, I will deal with it as it comes. I cannot spend my time in fear of what may happen to me in the future or I will miss all the good things I have fought this battle to hang on to and all you have supported me to do.
Thank you, and love, to all of you!!!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Cancer at 41 (3)
The other day, someone asked me if I was afraid and without hesitation, I answered "No. It's not my time." I am afraid of a cancer recurrence, and I have so many years for it to come back. However, I am relying on the fact that both my grandmother and mother never had a recurrence. My mother has been cancer-free for 20+ years. I hope to follow suit. But I digress. There is a reason why I was able to answer that question without a second thought...
One night, early on in my diagnosis, I was lying in bed with my little boy. We had just read a bedtime story and said our prayers. I usually lay with him for a few extra minutes just to get him settled in, but that night I laid there for a long time. I was praying a silent prayer, crying and pleading with God. I begged God not to take me now. It took me such a long time to bring my precious baby into this world and he still needed his mom. There are still so many things I wanted to teach him and so many rites of passage for him that I wanted to be around to experience. As I laid there crying and pleading, I knew in my heart that God's plan for me had already been determined, and I was not in control, but I continued to pray until I fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow case.
When I woke up in the morning, I felt such peace. God hadn't spoken to me in words but deep in my heart, I knew my prayer had been answered. I just knew I was going to be OK. My fight isn't over. I still have two more chemo treatments and at least one surgery (maybe more), and lots of opportunities to contract infections. However, I feel stronger every day and the doctors all seem to agree that I will come through this just fine. But most importantly, I am at peace because I trust that my work here isn't done yet. God has a plan for me. I don't know what it is, maybe I never will, but I do know that I have experienced more blessings than I can count in the last few months. It took getting sick to slow down enough to finally notice them.
One night, early on in my diagnosis, I was lying in bed with my little boy. We had just read a bedtime story and said our prayers. I usually lay with him for a few extra minutes just to get him settled in, but that night I laid there for a long time. I was praying a silent prayer, crying and pleading with God. I begged God not to take me now. It took me such a long time to bring my precious baby into this world and he still needed his mom. There are still so many things I wanted to teach him and so many rites of passage for him that I wanted to be around to experience. As I laid there crying and pleading, I knew in my heart that God's plan for me had already been determined, and I was not in control, but I continued to pray until I fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow case.
When I woke up in the morning, I felt such peace. God hadn't spoken to me in words but deep in my heart, I knew my prayer had been answered. I just knew I was going to be OK. My fight isn't over. I still have two more chemo treatments and at least one surgery (maybe more), and lots of opportunities to contract infections. However, I feel stronger every day and the doctors all seem to agree that I will come through this just fine. But most importantly, I am at peace because I trust that my work here isn't done yet. God has a plan for me. I don't know what it is, maybe I never will, but I do know that I have experienced more blessings than I can count in the last few months. It took getting sick to slow down enough to finally notice them.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Cancer at 41 (2)
As I have continued through this journey, I think alot about how "cancer" has began to define me. This is especially true since I lost my hair. As silly and vain as it may sound, losing my hair has been the hardest part of all of this for me. I have opted to wear scarves and hats instead of wigs, so EVERYONE knows I have cancer. I just can't stand the feel of the wig on my head. Strangers comment on how beautiful I look and tell me stories of someone they know who has travelled this same path. It's amazing how many of us are out there. Although I know they mean well, it's still hard for me to accept it as a compliment. My self-image has been very affected by being bald. It isn't as bad as I thought it would be, though. My face still looks like me! (On a positive note, I don't have to shave anymore or do my hair. I can shower and be ready to walk out the door in 20 minutes or less.)
Chemotherapy has been nothing like I anticipated it would be. I thought I would have a few days living in the bathroom following chemo and then a few weeks of normalcy. I was terrified by how sick I thought I was going to be. That hasn't been my experience at all. The nausea is unpleasant but not unbearable. However, I am nauseated almost everyday. I battle with bowel issues and have developed sores on my head and very itchy skin. I had a few days with mouth and throat sores, but they didn't last long. My fingers on my right hand are becoming tingly and numb and I am freezing cold most of the time, except when I am having a hot flash and want to strip down to nothing! But again, I have to stress to those of you that are reading this, none of it is so awful that it can't be handled with a positive mindset, rest and medication. When people ask how I am doing, I tell them it just varies from day-to-day and usually hour-by-hour. I know that no matter how I feel at any given moment, it will pass as soon as I can do something to help myself. Obviously, I cannot medicate myself at work so gingerale and graham crackers have become a staple for nausea. I can't treat the pain until I get home from work, though.
My son told me the other day that he wished he could duplicate me so he could have "fun mom" back but still have the real me. I told him that I very much want "fun mom" back, too. And she will be! A few months from now, this will all be history and I will once again feel that I am defined by the person I am, not the illness I have.
Chemotherapy has been nothing like I anticipated it would be. I thought I would have a few days living in the bathroom following chemo and then a few weeks of normalcy. I was terrified by how sick I thought I was going to be. That hasn't been my experience at all. The nausea is unpleasant but not unbearable. However, I am nauseated almost everyday. I battle with bowel issues and have developed sores on my head and very itchy skin. I had a few days with mouth and throat sores, but they didn't last long. My fingers on my right hand are becoming tingly and numb and I am freezing cold most of the time, except when I am having a hot flash and want to strip down to nothing! But again, I have to stress to those of you that are reading this, none of it is so awful that it can't be handled with a positive mindset, rest and medication. When people ask how I am doing, I tell them it just varies from day-to-day and usually hour-by-hour. I know that no matter how I feel at any given moment, it will pass as soon as I can do something to help myself. Obviously, I cannot medicate myself at work so gingerale and graham crackers have become a staple for nausea. I can't treat the pain until I get home from work, though.
My son told me the other day that he wished he could duplicate me so he could have "fun mom" back but still have the real me. I told him that I very much want "fun mom" back, too. And she will be! A few months from now, this will all be history and I will once again feel that I am defined by the person I am, not the illness I have.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Cancer at 41
At 41, my mother developed breast cancer. I was away at college during most of her treatments so my brothers cared for her during her illness. Shortly after my mother received her diagnosis, I found out that my grandmother had breast cancer at 39. Both my mother and grandmother survived their battle with the nasty disease. I guess at that time, I just expected it would happen to me. It wasn't a question of "if", it was a question of "when".
In my late 30's there was a genetic test available to see if I carried a mutation. The doctor left it totally up to me as to whether the test was something I wanted or not. I thought a lot about it and in the back of mind, I thought what if it is a question of "if". This would answer it for me. Part of me was convinced that the genetic test would come back negative and I would go about a normal life. It didn't. It came back BRCA II positive, which also added the danger of ovarian cancer and melanoma to my list of possibilities. I saw a genetic counselor and a breast surgeon. I opted to have my ovaries removed but wasn't ready to have preventative mastectomies at the time. I continued self exams and regular mammograms.
This summer, I scheduled my regular screening mammogram and I told my husband before I went, that something just felt wrong this time. I was right. I got a call back for additional views within a day or two. The additional views continued to show the mass and ultrasound verified that it was solid (i.e. not a cycst). I had a needle biopsy and when the radiologist asked me if I had any questions, of course I had to ask her opinion on whether or not it was malignant. She told me it was less than 1% that this mass was cancerous. "Once in awhile they fool us, but this looks pretty simple." I left feeling so relieved but still feeling like something just wasn't right.
Five days later, while I was on vacation, I got the very broad diagnosis that it was a breast cancer. I wasn't given much information and hadn't prepared any questions, because after all, the radiologist told me it was highly unlikely it was cancer. Although my family was angry that I had received such varied information, I was actually grateful! It bought me 5 days of not worrying about what my life was going to become. That diagnosis came on July 2, 2012 when I was 41 years old. My life has not been the same since! We finished vacation but everyday I worried about how significant my cancer was.
I saw an oncologist as soon as I got back from vacation and took in a ton of information, none of which I was ready to accept. The good news was that the tumor was hormone receptor positive and HER2 negative. The bad news was that the tumor was very aggressive. We talked about surgery, chemo and hormone therapy. I went home and went to bed for about 3 days. I refused to talk to anyone about it. On the third day, I was ready to get up and get on with things. I decided to be more aggressive than this tumor. I opted for a double mastectomy and hysterectomy. The oncologist said that a recurrence of this cancer would not be curable (3 year life expectancy). I wasn't willing to take any chances since I have a 6 year old who needs his mom!
It took some time to coordinate the breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, and OB/GYN to get the surgery scheduled. I felt great after the surgery; like surprising great! The cancer was Stage II and had not reached my lymph nodes yet. And then in the middle of the night some pain set in. I developed a large hematoma and had to go back to emergency surgery. Things after that weren't quite so great. I left the hospital with oxygen. The following week, I had another surgery to put the chemo port in. Again, I couldn't leave the hospital without oxygen.
I have had my first chemo treatment and it went better than I could have ever anticipated; a little nausea, diarrhea, and pain, but it wasn't unbearable. I have been told my hair will fall out but so far, so good! I cut my hair short and donated it to Locks of Love before I started chemo which made me feel really good that I was able to help someone out of my misfortune.
Outside of the medical details, I have found so much support and this is partly the reason for my blog. Between my staff and my husband's coworkers, we have not grocery shopped or made a meal in over 4 weeks. On the first day of school, all of my staff dressed in pink in support of me. Approximately half of my staff ran in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. My husband and I walked the 1K family walk and we both cried when I finished. I have never felt so surrounded by love, prayers and support! I am receiving get well cards from people I have never met, but friends have put me on their church prayer list. My MANY doctors have been fabulous! Anything I need is available through a phone call or a request. This horrible situation has helped me to realize that people are inherently good! I have felt rallied around, and held up, and prayed for when I no longer knew what to pray for. This has given me strength, courage, and the ability to find humor when I thought there would never be reason to laugh again. Don't get me wrong, I still cry. Often when I am alone at night, the tears will sneak up on me. But I have never asked God "Why me?" I know he has a plan for me and there is something I am supposed to gain from this experience. One thing I do know is that I WILL BEAT THIS!
So I am posting this to ask that if you find yourself in a situation where someone you know is seriously ill, rather it is cancer or some other disease, send prayers and cards, deliver a meal or an inspirational book, provide a note/email to say "I'm thinking of you today." These are things that can make all the difference in the outcome of the disease! Surely, these small gestures are not too much to ask to lift the spirits of someone who may not be able to do it on their own yet!
In my late 30's there was a genetic test available to see if I carried a mutation. The doctor left it totally up to me as to whether the test was something I wanted or not. I thought a lot about it and in the back of mind, I thought what if it is a question of "if". This would answer it for me. Part of me was convinced that the genetic test would come back negative and I would go about a normal life. It didn't. It came back BRCA II positive, which also added the danger of ovarian cancer and melanoma to my list of possibilities. I saw a genetic counselor and a breast surgeon. I opted to have my ovaries removed but wasn't ready to have preventative mastectomies at the time. I continued self exams and regular mammograms.
This summer, I scheduled my regular screening mammogram and I told my husband before I went, that something just felt wrong this time. I was right. I got a call back for additional views within a day or two. The additional views continued to show the mass and ultrasound verified that it was solid (i.e. not a cycst). I had a needle biopsy and when the radiologist asked me if I had any questions, of course I had to ask her opinion on whether or not it was malignant. She told me it was less than 1% that this mass was cancerous. "Once in awhile they fool us, but this looks pretty simple." I left feeling so relieved but still feeling like something just wasn't right.
Five days later, while I was on vacation, I got the very broad diagnosis that it was a breast cancer. I wasn't given much information and hadn't prepared any questions, because after all, the radiologist told me it was highly unlikely it was cancer. Although my family was angry that I had received such varied information, I was actually grateful! It bought me 5 days of not worrying about what my life was going to become. That diagnosis came on July 2, 2012 when I was 41 years old. My life has not been the same since! We finished vacation but everyday I worried about how significant my cancer was.
I saw an oncologist as soon as I got back from vacation and took in a ton of information, none of which I was ready to accept. The good news was that the tumor was hormone receptor positive and HER2 negative. The bad news was that the tumor was very aggressive. We talked about surgery, chemo and hormone therapy. I went home and went to bed for about 3 days. I refused to talk to anyone about it. On the third day, I was ready to get up and get on with things. I decided to be more aggressive than this tumor. I opted for a double mastectomy and hysterectomy. The oncologist said that a recurrence of this cancer would not be curable (3 year life expectancy). I wasn't willing to take any chances since I have a 6 year old who needs his mom!
It took some time to coordinate the breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, and OB/GYN to get the surgery scheduled. I felt great after the surgery; like surprising great! The cancer was Stage II and had not reached my lymph nodes yet. And then in the middle of the night some pain set in. I developed a large hematoma and had to go back to emergency surgery. Things after that weren't quite so great. I left the hospital with oxygen. The following week, I had another surgery to put the chemo port in. Again, I couldn't leave the hospital without oxygen.
I have had my first chemo treatment and it went better than I could have ever anticipated; a little nausea, diarrhea, and pain, but it wasn't unbearable. I have been told my hair will fall out but so far, so good! I cut my hair short and donated it to Locks of Love before I started chemo which made me feel really good that I was able to help someone out of my misfortune.
Outside of the medical details, I have found so much support and this is partly the reason for my blog. Between my staff and my husband's coworkers, we have not grocery shopped or made a meal in over 4 weeks. On the first day of school, all of my staff dressed in pink in support of me. Approximately half of my staff ran in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. My husband and I walked the 1K family walk and we both cried when I finished. I have never felt so surrounded by love, prayers and support! I am receiving get well cards from people I have never met, but friends have put me on their church prayer list. My MANY doctors have been fabulous! Anything I need is available through a phone call or a request. This horrible situation has helped me to realize that people are inherently good! I have felt rallied around, and held up, and prayed for when I no longer knew what to pray for. This has given me strength, courage, and the ability to find humor when I thought there would never be reason to laugh again. Don't get me wrong, I still cry. Often when I am alone at night, the tears will sneak up on me. But I have never asked God "Why me?" I know he has a plan for me and there is something I am supposed to gain from this experience. One thing I do know is that I WILL BEAT THIS!
So I am posting this to ask that if you find yourself in a situation where someone you know is seriously ill, rather it is cancer or some other disease, send prayers and cards, deliver a meal or an inspirational book, provide a note/email to say "I'm thinking of you today." These are things that can make all the difference in the outcome of the disease! Surely, these small gestures are not too much to ask to lift the spirits of someone who may not be able to do it on their own yet!
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